You are your greatest enemy.

Where do I sit with work right now?

I’m so glad you asked because it’s been on my mind for a while. I work in aviation, a very heavily regulated industry. If I make a crucial mistake at work, I can go to prison for negligence or manslaughter. There aren’t many jobs like that hey?

I am the youngest person in my department by at least 5 years and am at the absolute bottom of the totem pole. The other apprentices have prior experience as opposed to me, whose fresh out of college. Not many people get to work with a company the size of mine right after college, in fact aviation is a very tough industry to get into/through. While going to school I was working part/full time in another department of the same company so  as soon as I graduated I got hired with my current department.

Being the youngest member of my team is definitely interesting. People often compliment how I was able to determine my life path at such an early age. At work everyone picks on me and jokes around with me. At the same time, when it comes down to work… I am expected to perform. The only thing an employer looks at when hiring a recent graduate is his/her attitude. I have always been an optimistic, driven, self motivated and enthusiastic young man and I still am. I have a good attitude but still have a long ways to go to become a competent engineer.

You know what my biggest fear at work is? Being told that I’m incompetent. I’m absolutely terrified of being told that and it has honestly kept me up at nights. I put a lot of pressure on myself to impress my supervisors of my abilities. I tried to make up for my lack of experience by trying to take on bigger jobs and I thought it showed that I was trying to take initiative. But after a sit down with a mentor, I realized that by wanting to get the bigger jobs, I had made a minor error on the smaller, more monotonous job. I seemed to be more careless than showing  initiative. In the sit down I admitted to my mistake and assured my supervisor of an action plan. Just as I felt that I was headed in the right direction, 2 days later I made the same mistake.

Being told you’re the exact opposite of your intentions never sits right.  I am really hard on myself, always have been. I am told that it’s not good to pressure myself so much but it’s by being hard on myself that I have pulled through and accomplished greater things. So making the same mistake twice has made me quite upset as I’m unsure of how I’ll bounce back. It’s not like I don’t believe in myself. I see myself as the underdog. It’s just hard to be confident knowing that you don’t know anything.

You see, an interesting thing about this world is that the mistakes you make have a heavier presence in defining you than the good that you do. I refuse to be defined by my failures but unfortunately, I am. I just want to prove my worth and show potential. I feel as though I have taken 2 steps back and now have to start from scratch to build my work rapport. My seniors advise me that If there is anytime to make minor mistakes, its as an apprentice. But I can’t accept making mistakes that could have been avoided If I followed my action plan. I am told to relax and not be too keen. To show a greater pride in my work, especially with the smaller tasks. That’s great advice that I am going to follow but I still have great uneasiness when I think about work and where I stand.

 I might have brought down my reputation and let my colleagues down but whats worst is that I have let myself down. I have exposed and fed my fear of being incompetent.

I can tell myself that things will get better, that I will learn from my mistakes and show my seniors of my honest intentions and worth. But that’s all a bunch of Disneyland bs, I’m not like that. I won’t feel comfortable again until I actually do show my seniors my effort and improvement. Until then, I will have to live with the uneasiness.

Men will come and men will go but I will carry on forever.

My most personal post yet, I can’t believe I’m sharing this. I’ll most likely delete it soon.

My “bestfriend” and I haven’t talked much for a while. I’m sure that we are drifting apart which is unfortunate but I’ve accepted it. Just a part of life. Today I asked to hangout and my text was completely ignored and she replied with something completely different. I was just about to reply to her but I stopped midway. “You completely ignored my last text. Maaan our friendship sucks now”. I erased it all.

On my last two runs I went over to my friends house. He’s in town for the summer so I thought I’d drop by to say hello. We were pretty close, used to be bestfriends. He told me since I had come over twice already to say hello he’d come over. Well maybe I put that in his mouth. He said he was too busy studying to hangout but facebook showed otherwise.

I haven’t talk to my other close friend for a while. He’s been acting different, kind of sketchy. A lot of red flags when I talk to him.

My girlfriend gave me the cold shoulder a couple of times. Although we talked it out, it was still unacceptable.

You know why I erased that text? Because I realized, everyone sucks. Everyone let’s you down. Everyone just… disappoints you.

At one point, when the effort is no longer reciprocated, when you don’t see any progress… you just stop caring. A while ago I saw a picture that said something along the lines of “respect yourself enough to leave someone that no longer serves you, helps you grow or adds to your happiness”. It was pretty great to see that because I’ve always lived by it. At first you see that quote and you think “yeah, makes sense. That would make life much better.” But that thought comes with a heavy price tag.

My family always tell me about how none of my friends ever stick around. My brother used to use it against me to make me mad when we fought. But its true. I don’t care at all about what anyone thinks of me. No one will completely know me (for now at least). I’ve never hesitated to burn bridges with someone that no longer adds happiness to my life. You have to learn to keep yourself happy and with that, everyone else starts to add to your happiness. No one should ever be your happiness.

Sooner than later you realize that these days, not many people do add to your happiness. That’s why I don’t tell people my personal problems. Because I’m sure they won’t really be around long enough.

And well, I’ll admit it for the first time ever. That’s why I have troubles getting close to people. I kind of don’t want to. I don’t want anyone close enough to be able to hurt me. I don’t want to give them that control over me. I’ve worked hard for more than a year to teach myself to be happy why would I throw it all away by being willing to let someone else control my emotions? But isn’t that the nature of relationships? To trust? I know it sounds like I’m “emotionally damaged” but that’s not the case because I haven’t let anyone close enough to be able to hurt me. I’m just over protective of my happiness.

I used to give everyone advice, try to make them feel better. I always wanted to help people out. But at one point you realize that people take your advice and say thank you and tell you about how much they appreciate it but don’t really follow it. It’s a waste. A waste of your time. I stopped wasting my time trying to help people out who weren’t willing to be helped out.  They just wanted a little bit of reassurance and that’s that. I’m not always right but at least acknowledge that you’ve taken something out of our long discussion, that’s never really the case anymore though.

I guess figuring out whose worth the disappointment, who will actually come through and add to your happiness is the important part in life. My girlfriend adds to my happiness, I see that. And in return, I try my absolute (a word that’s lost it’s value) best to add happiness to her life.

Growing up made me bitter. Regardless, I’ll keep myself happy.

 

 

 

Don’t ride life’s waves.

Think about an amazing moment that happened in your life… Now, think of every event that lead to it and how easily the events leading up to it could have changed causing for the amazing moment to never exist.

I do not ride life’s fluctuation of events because I know that everything happens for a greater good. Once I accepted that, I started to take in more of life’s beauty. I no longer associate negativity with events that don’t go in my favor because I know there is something greater that lies ahead. I’ve had enough instances in life where I have been denied opportunities and because of so, better opportunities have emerged. To not believe that “everything happens for a reason” would just be unwise of me.

So the next time something doesn’t go your way, have patience. Have faith.

 

We are all a sum of our experiences.

Whats one of the most powerful emotions besides love and happiness?

Hate, jealousy?

For me, it’s regret. Its often due to me not acting like myself and making a mistake which in turn makes me feel crummy and gross. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, luckily none of them major. People say to learn from others mistakes but I don’t really believe in that because another persons mistakes wont effectively make me a better person. Recently, I messed up (which I haven’t done in a while) and I’ve stumbled upon the realization that regret is actually an opportunity.

So I thought I’d write about what went on in my mind through my process of accepting regret.

Regret is my conscience telling me that it is not happy with what I did. With that being said, I admit I was wrong. If I avoid this feeling and let it pass, I’m only lying to myself. Not to mention I’m avoiding an opportunity to grow. Then I think about who my decision affected and how it affected them. I reassure myself that life is about making mistakes. How can I better myself without making a mistake? It’s not about the mistakes I make that shows who I am but how I fix them. I then appreciate that I recognized my mistake and that I’m on the path of bettering myself. If I don’t reassure myself,  I will not be as motivated and will be unable to bring a positive outcome from a negative experience. Most importantly, I decide how I will change. How will I change so that I never encounter myself in the same situation again? What will I take away from this which will allow me to grow? What attributes will I change to help me deal with the situation differently next time?  How will I fix the relationship with the people my decisions affected? Then I act on my plans. I see through a change in myself and give credit to myself for getting back in touch with the real me.

One of the best parts about my approach to the situation is often that I don’t have to go out of my way to apologize to the people that I affected (depending on the severity of the situation of course) . Because for a person like myself, you can ask for forgiveness all you want and you’ll never get it. I’ve burnt many bridges and am not afraid of doing so. But as soon as I see change in someone, I have no option but to forgive them. And that’s exactly what I do, I change myself so that I can be better. Whether it be a better son, better friend or better boyfriend. One of the hardest parts about this process is that it is very time consuming. But it needs to be so you can instill (not to be confused with ingrain) the lesson into your mind. No one can  change over one night so it’s okay to take time to get on the right track.

Regret therefore propels me to better myself. Once I correct my mistake, regret actually turns into a valuable lesson. Turning from a shitty feeling to a beautiful part of life.

I do not fear the fear of falling.

I am proud of who I am.

More importantly, I am proud of the decisions (good or bad) that got me here.

My most valuable trait

I’ve been reflecting about myself lately and have thought a lot about the following question:

What’s my most valuable trait?

Because of my busy lifestyle, I came to the conclusion that it’s my spontaneity. For me, spontaneity is taking better advantage of life. It’s about making life more interesting. It’s a trait that I cherish, always take advantage of and hope to never lose.

I also figured that many of the people I’m close with are spontaneous as well. A lot of the good moments that I’ve shared with friends in life have happened due to a spontaneous decision. Whether its a plan that lasts 5 minutes or 5 hours, in that time I feel like the real me. I do what I feel like doing, some say my “inner child” comes out. When I do so, my smiles are honest and my laughs are pure.

Spontaneity when within its limits is an exceptional trait to offer someone. My daily grind can be so consuming sometimes that I start to forget who I am and turn into a working machine. Well, spontaneity is what brings me back and I believe it’ll keep me  young as I grow old.

So screw what time it is and pick up that phone. Text the first person that comes to mind and go for some ice cream. Hopefully they too want an adventure.

Just a rough thought

Everyone has their own life struggles. Some people are fed with a silver spoon and others have to fight for opportunities to remain alive. Most people around us are privileged to have a friend that they can always go and talk to. That friend always knows exactly how you feel and can always say the right things to cheer you up. They put things into perspective in your life and sometimes you feel that you need them to be happy. Every time something happens, they’re the ones that you call. They’re the shoulders that you lean on.

Well… I don’t know how to properly transition this but

stop being so goddamn dependent.

Often they give you advice that temporarily makes you feel better. Honestly, that’s the best they can do. They don’t control your life, you do. And let’s face it, they won’t be around forever to save you. What are you going to do when they suddenly move?

So the next time you feel like breaking down, go for a walk and breakdown. Don’t be afraid to submerge yourself in your emotions. Crying can be just as much a part of life as laughing. We often panic before getting to the point of breaking down so we try to pull ourselves out of the rough waters by talking to someone. But what many don’t realize is the clarity that comes after you deal with all those emotions. You can begin thinking about how to resolve your conflict more effectively. Or at the very least, you can better your coping methods. You force yourself to think of better ways to deal with the problem at hand. And that is much more valuable then simply receiving reassuring advice that “everything will be alright”.

Because it wont. And I’m young so I can’t really say but it probably never will.

Learning to not let your emotions control the way you think or act, especially in an impulsive manner, is a very essential life skill. There will be many circumstances where you wont be able to get a hold of that special someone and you’ll be left with two options: stand on your feet or fall on your face.

People that never develop this skill become dependent on other people or things. They put their happiness in the hands of others and have little control over their lives. In my opinion, that’s one of the main reasons for how alcohol or drug dependency begins.

If you’re that friend. Help the person in need become more independent instead of sugar coating disney lines. I’m by no means saying leave them hanging. Help them slowly learn how to keep themselves happy when they’re faced with a constantly arising problem. And if you have someone like that in your life, make sure you thank them and let them know how appreciative you are.

You must:

Accept that life is not fair.

Have faith and believe in yourself.

Be open to change and be willing to adapt.

Be confident in your abilities to overcome life’s bullshit.

Be strong and independent.

The disclaimer: Some things in life can be resolved with the help of someone. Thing’s such as bullying require immediate attention by someone responsible. If you have suicidal thoughts you have to talk to someone responsible. This article is more geared towards the problems that you’ve faced for a while. Problems where you have accepted the circumstances of the situation. Never assume nothing can be done about a situation. If you feel as though thinking independently gets you nowhere please talk to someone. If you don’t have anyone to talk to call a crisis line or kids help line.

A starry night

I’m involved in an organization called Big Brothers. It require’s me to hangout with a “little” once a week for about 2-3 hours and do just about anything. The little is often a youth who has the presence of a male role model absent in his life. I’ve been matched with him for almost a year now and you wouldn’t believe how many things I’ve learned and experienced from our friendship.

Here’s a very particular example. It may not be life changing or may seem uneventful but it’s enough to make me remember and reflect.

A couple of months ago, we won 2 tickets to our CFL team at a contest held by the organization. With the tickets we also got mini football’s with our team colors and mascot on it. Although neither of us are football buffs we went and had a great time. We had to ask for clarification of the rules many times to our neighbors but we definitely got really into it towards the end!  This outing was the latest I had been out with him and it was on a school day. I parked at a parking lot and took our local train to the stadium. During the train ride back he told me how tired he was and fell asleep on me (classic)(that had nothing to do with the story)(how grammatically incorrect is this?).  We arrived at his house around 11 and I walked him to the door. I exactly remember that the stars were shining very bright and it was a clear, cool night. When his mom opened the door we told her all about the great time we had (as usual) and I wished them a goodnight. As I was reversing out of the driveway, my little and his mom ran barefoot onto the front yard and began tossing the football we had just gotten. Before I drove off, I couldn’t help but watch.

His mom who had waited for us to get home, didn’t tell him to go straight to bed like I had imagined. Instead, she shared his excitement so greatly that they ran outside to play with the football in the middle of the night.

On my drive home I thought about the things our moms do that we very seldom notice. My little’s mom trusted me to take her son all the way to the stadium on public transit. She wanted to share the excitement so she listened very carefully to the details of our outing and asked questions. She loved him so much that she ignored how tired she was or the time of the night just to play. My little most definitely already forgot about it (kids!). But I don’t think his mom did it because she thought he’d remember it when he grew up. She just wanted to make sure the night ended beautifully, with smiles.  Mom’s are always on the sidelines and we often don’t realize the things they do for us. I know everyone always says that but I hope I could provide some context.

Isn’t it funny how it takes being an outsider to appreciate what matters in life?

If you have any questions about the organization please do not hesitate to pm me. I assure you, you’ll take just as much from the relationship as your little will.

P.S – It’s way past my bedtime but I wrote this post and published in one night (so rebellious). So excuse me for any errors and you best bet it’ll get edited. A lot.

 

My anchor

I’m not a very sentimental person. I don’t have a tendency to hold on to things to cherish memories associated with them. So what I’m feeling right now is very… different. I’m sitting in the middle of my bedroom which is completely empty, all packed. Just one chair and one side table to accommodate me for the day.  I’m beginning to understand as to why I’m feeling such strong emotions about moving.

My brother moved out when he was the same age as me to attend university. So with that in mind, I was very excited and eager to move out. I imagined getting a taste of real freedom. You know, girls & pizza boxes. But as time went on, I was the one setting curfews for myself and it was definitely more cooking and washing dishes than it was “girls & pizza boxes” (pfft.). To be frank, 18 is a fairly young age to move out. You don’t really know the little things about how the world works.  But because you’re young, the lessons that you learn mold you as a person.

You know people always talk about this sort of stuff on facebook. You’ll most definitely see it. People moving back home from the summer after living in dorms. It was something that I always just rolled my eyes at and ignored. Now I guess I know what they’re talking about. The circumstances are different however, I didn’t move in to a place with a bunch of people my age or a place near my friends. Nor was everything laid out for me on a map. But by putting myself in a different environment I’ve gained a lot. It’s when you stop being comfortable, stop doing the things you do in a routinely basis and put yourself in a different environment you begin to grow. You begin to learn about yourself, how you deal with change, your strengths, your weaknesses etc.

As I sit in the middle of this empty room, I think about everything that’s happened in my life for the past 2 years. I’ve gotten 2 jobs, graduated college, explored this city, made new friends and grown immensely. I’ve had a lot of struggles in terms with balancing school and work and the issues that come with them. Dude, where are you going with this… what does this have to do with your place… Well you see, so much has changed in the past 2 years that the one constant I depended on was my basement. As weird as it sounds it’s the one thing that anchored me down.

You know what the best way to get to know someone or become closer with someone is? Learning their day to day grind. Seeing where they work, what they do at work, where they go to school, where they like to study, where they like to relax, where they like to go to have fun, their favorite restaurant etc. That for me is the greatest thing someone can offer me. To show me how they live their life. Once you see those things you begin to better understand that person. So, that’s what I’m thinking about. Where did I go to have fun? Where did I go to relax? When it was 12 at night but I wanted to go out on a weekday, where did I go? What was my favorite restaurant? And right in the middle of it all is home sweet home. My place is basically a box with all those memories put in it, if that makes sense. I’ll sure as hell miss them all.

But life moves on and change is a beautiful thing. I move from this city knowing that what lies ahead is just as rewarding as my past.

 

 

Men will come and men will go but I will carry on forever.

“I have money. It’s trust and character I need around me. Who you choose to be around you let’s you know who you are.”